The number of people who are suffering from stress, and taking time off of work as a result, is still increasing. Wearing a ‘mask’ i.e. adapting your behaviour to ‘fit in’ and feeling unable to be yourself is a common cause of work related stress. Being flexible with our approach is critical, we all know that rigidity is not particularly engaging or influential, but compromising ourselves and being over flexible turns us in to a contortionist, which cannot be maintained without pain. Our values (things that are important to us) and whether or not we are able to get enough of them at work, dictates how authentic we are able to be. Do we impose constraints upon ourselves internally (our belief systems), or is it really the organisational culture that stops us being us? Enabling people to be authentic in the workplace is the first step to high performance.
We rely on, and spend more time with, our colleagues than with most other people in our lives: yet we frequently experience conflict at work. This is a problem that is beginning to be recognised, but it is still not being dealt with either effectively or sufficiently. Conflict is such a broad term for what can be experienced, ranging from office gossip to outright bullying. In nearly every single office there is always going to be personality clashes at some point, and some of the time they will be fairly easily resolved, however, sometimes they aren’t and there is often no other option than to resign. The real problem underlying this situation is that people really don’t have the skills to deal with these kinds of situations. They frequently accept the problem when it is happening and then get upset and/or stressed afterwards.
The Five (common) Strategies for Dealing with Conflict:
1. Avoidance. This is the most frequently used strategy along with accommodation. Here conflict is avoided and when conflict does appear the person refuses to engage in the situation.
Example: Someone making a nasty comment and the person it was aimed at simply walking away. While this is not the most effective way of dealing with conflict, it is worth being considered as a strategy for when the conflict is just not worth the effort of being addressed (if you won’t see the person again, or if you are genuinely not concerned by it)
2. Accommodation. Here you take the conflict and submit.
Example: Listening to personal ‘gossip’ and believing it. Again, very frequently used especially where there is low confidence and self-esteem in play.
3. Compete. This one means that you play the person at his or her own game and work hard to get your own way in the conflict.
Example: Someone starts spreading rumours about you, so you do the same in return in an attempt to discredit the power of the other person’s word. This can lead to a vicious circle as the conflict escalates. Be very sure you want to use this strategy as lowering yourself to someone else’s level rarely shows you in the best light or resolves anything
4. Compromise. A much more useful tactic to use: here you don’t give in to the conflict, but work out a solution somewhere inbetween all sides.
Example: Someone delegates a huge amount of work to your already huge workload. You respond by taking on some of it, and then recommending that this person manages the rest, or delegates elsewhere. This is the strategy of choice for most untrained managers as this is how we frequently deal with children in real life – and therefore a behaviour we are familiar with. This can of course lead to the obvious downfall of the actual solution leaving no-one satisfied with the outcome.
5. Collaborate. The most useful tactic, particularly with extremes of conflict such as bullying. The aim here is to focus on working together to arrive at a solution, where both sides have ownership of and commitment to the solution.
Although the most effective, this strategy is the most difficult strategy if confidence levels are low as it involves actually naming the issue to the conflict-creator, which can cause huge anxiety and fear.
Tips:
Always try and work the issue, not the person. This means addressing the behaviour rather than the entire existence of that person. There is a different level of ownership for behaviours, and people will take less offence if you criticise their behaviour than if you criticise them personally.
Never lay blame, as this will only fan the fire. If you are not getting anywhere, ask for further information from the other person about the reasons for their behaviour, but try to avoid questions with ‘why’ at the beginning. If you do this the other person may feel ‘under the spotlight’ and get defensive.
Remember that people who enjoy creating conflict are often those that have a need to control others. Frequently this is because either they have suffered in a similar way before or feel that they have very little control over their own lives and do anything they can to feel in control. A little compassion can take you a long way to both resolve the situation and put it behind you when it is resolved.
Dr Gary Namie, co-founder and president of the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute in the US, conducted an online survey of 1,000 people who claimed to have been bullied at work. 37% were eventually fired, and 33% quit their jobs. In a reversal of the typical childhood bullying scenario (in which unpopular and apparently weak children are picked on most frequently) adult victims in the workplace tend to be very capable and charismatic people. The bully often sees them as a threat.
Most workplace bullies are thought to be women — 58% according to those Namie surveyed — and so are their targets — 80% of those surveyed. The estimated figure is that half the adult population will experience severe conflict at work at least once in their working life, and that the majority of people don’t expect conflict and don’t know how to deal with it.
Bullying conjures up images of schools and young children, but it is growing trend in the workplace, which is rarely tackled openly, even if you have policies in place to deal with this issue.
There are always legal options to take should the strategies above not resolve the conflict. Don’t ever just put up with bullying, seek help and advice.
Let’s face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad or depressed. If we choose to hang on to them we will never move forward and we could even create physical or mental damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. It’s very easy to say: “Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go.” but that rarely works for anyone.
Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward.
Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some we see as negative and unpleasant. When you hang on to a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it, and when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you’re like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you’re holding on to, which is preventing you from moving forward.
The more negativitiy you carry, the worse life gets. Why? Because you’ve filled your mind with negative experiences, because you continually hang on to something that doesn’t allow you to move forward, in short, you’re carrying unhelpful, heavy baggage that’s really slowing you down.
Think of it this way: you’re on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don’t serve you well. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you will never complete your trip.
To let go you have to focus your mind on different goals and different objectives. It’s not about dwelling on the negative stuff that you need to park to one side, if you really want to start moving on then you have to focus your mind on new things. In this process you automatically let go of the things that have been slowing you down.
How to Let Go and Move Forward
Researchers believe that that if you hold on to negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where these thoughts have a negative effect on your physical and mental health.
Hanging on to negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you are not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions: Do the negative things you hang on to serve you any purpose? Do they help you move forward? Do they work in your favour in any way? If you said no to any, or all of these, then tell yourself this: This emotion/feeling doesn’t help me so I’m letting it go and focusing on what is important, positve and will serve me well. Then begin focusing on what you want next, focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and will stop you building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attract more negative situations! When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations.
The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.
The key to your success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then will bring you the opportunities to move forward.
The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the NOW. Living in the now is different than living for the moment. Living in the now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may think the following: “But where I am right now is awful, and therfore I don’t want to think about it”. It’s only awful because you’re looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things, anything from nature to the wonderful family and friends that you may have. This forces your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you’re ready for new possibilities. Then, and only then, you’ll begin to let go and move forward.
Not being true to yourself can take many forms. The most commonly reported self-sabotaging behaviours are:
- wanting to please people
- fear of rejection
- inability to commit
- expecting reprisal
If you lump these together and take a look, you will see that they all have one thing in common: fear.
If you then look beneath the fear you will see another common thread: lack of confidence and self-acceptance. When you are afraid to be yourself you masquerade as someone else and typically do a very poor job of it. You are you, and not the person you are pretending, or hoping to be. People can see through your facade so that when it fails, you feel worse than you did before.
The truth you know (but discount) is that you are capable, lovable, and worthy. You knew that about yourself at 5 years old and may have even still known it at 8 or 9, but somewhere along the line you lost your relationship to that confident, uniquely talented true self, and began to feel not worthy and not good enough.
Soon this belief and perspective had invaded and infected your entire life.
The good news is that the more conscious you become of what is behind your lack of self-worthiness and lost confidence, the more you can take the right actions to embrace ‘the authentic you’ before it’s too late.
The following steps will help you get started:
(1) Rediscovering the unique role you are here to play in this lifetime
(2) Regaining your lost relationship to who you truly are and always have been
(3) Renewing your confidence and willingness to take bold action
Opening your mind to the possibility that you CAN have whatever you want from life is the first step to success. Limiting your beliefs only to what you know or believe to be true, is to deny all the possibilities that life has to offer you. The theory works like this; you decide what it is you want and when you want it. You then announce what you want to the universe, in a way that suits you. Some people prefer a bit of ritual, others can simply place their order with a quick thought. There are no limits or limitations, you can ask for anything, a new love or a new house, money or wealth, health or healing… whatever you desire can be yours. The only demand is that you be positive, be open and be at ease, requesting what you want without worry or attachment to the outcome.
The basis of Mohr’s theory is that at the most fundamental level we are all connected to what is called a “unified field”, or the fundamental material of the universe, and that at this level our thoughts are creative and connected. This should come as no surprise; the field of quantum physics has brought science and spirituality to a place where they are beginning to find a great deal of common ground. Particles over immeasurable distances influencing each other, seemingly connected by invisible string, particles existing simultaneously in two different places, the fact that simply observing events can change them are just some of mysteries exposed by this field of research and that provide some support for the “unified field” theory.
The more you dig into the wonders of the universe, the more you begin to realise how limiting a closed mind is. You will not have to search far on the internet to discover plenty of scepticism towards this way of thinking. The more you open your mind though, the more you realise the overwhelming vastness of infinite possibilities. The theory that at some level we are all connected suddenly seems highly probable.
Choose Your Own Definition of Success
• Accept There Are Always Alternatives – The very fact that so many of us have not questioned the paths we are on speaks to a lack of awareness or acceptance of alternate paths. There have never been more options or valid ways of defining career and life success
One definition of success that puts this philosophy into simple words comes from American author Christopher Morley, who wrote: “There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way”. Being clear about how you define success will reap immeasurable rewards
People fear being alone until they learn to like themselves
People fear failure until they realise that they only fail when they don’t try
People fear people’s opinions until they learn that people will have opinions about them anyway
People fear rejection until they learn to have faith in themselves
People fear pain until they learn that it’s necessary for growth
People fear the truth until they see the damage caused by lies
People fear their destiny until they realise that they have the power to change their life
People fear ridicule until they learn how to laugh at themselves
People fear growing old until they realise that they gain wisdom every day
People fear the past until they realise that it can no longer hurt them
People fear change until they recognise that even the most beautiful butterfly has to undergo a metamorphosis before it can fly
And ….. AFTER A WHILE…..
People learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, they begin to accept their defeats with their head held high and eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, they learn to build their roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers; learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong and you have worth
Happy People Form Better Work Relationships: Everyone would agree that they prefer to be around happy people. When employees are happy, they are likely to form stronger bonds with their colleagues, form a better relationship with management, improve customer service and satisfaction, and produce a higher volume of sales
Happy People are More Creative: When new ideas need to be thrown on the table, you need happier employees. People that are in a good mood tend to be much more flexible, original, and fluent – their cognitive processes are jump-started. These feelings also have a tendency to carry over to the next day
Happy People Don’t Complain – They Seek Solutions: People that find themselves in a negative mood often mistake the problems that are the easiest to solve as impossible feats. The trouble with this is that they tend to shut-down any problem solving cognition, then proceed to complain and cry in agony over the situation. Clearly, this is an unproductive situation to have present in any work environment
Happy People are More Energetic: This one is pretty simple. The happier that someone is, the more active and energetic they become, which increases efficiency and productivity
Happy People are Optimistic People: The happier an employee, the more optimistic their outlook. In fact, studies have shown that people who hold optimistic outlooks are actually more successful and productive! As they say, whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you’re right. Our attitude directly effects the way we function
Happy People are Healthier: When an employee is sick, they are much less functional and experience decreased efficiency and productivity. They are also more susceptible to illness, as both depression and general unhappiness suppress the immune system
Happy People are Quicker Learners: If you’re attempting to teach an employee something, the happier they are, the easier it will be. There is no debate that those in a better mood have a much shorter learning curve and benefit from an improved memory
Happy People Move On: This is one of the biggest benefits to having happy employees! When an individual in a good mood makes a mistake, he/she is much more likely to simply get over it, learn from it, and move on. They will also have a higher tendency to admit their wrongdoing. An unhappy individual will let a mistake throw away their focus and bother them for the rest of the day – resulting in even more mistakes!
Happy Employees Make Good Decisions: Unhappy employees are in a permanent cognitive crisis mode. This means that they have a narrow range of focus, experience difficulties when trying to see the bigger picture, and make choices based on the short-term situation. Their ability to prioritise is also hindered
So what have we learned? Well, quite simply, if you want a more productive business and workplace, you need to start implementing programmes designed to increase the overall happiness and well being of each and every employee. Nothing else will have such a great effect in such a short amount of time.
Most people live their entire lives never finding their authentic self. They never find the person they were meant to be, nor do they develop themselves to their greatest potential. Unfortunately this is much easier said than done, for it takes time and effort to undo programmed habits and ways of living.
It is time for us to claim our authentic self and live life to our fullest potential. To be authentic means to find the key to happiness and success within ones self, not within society that they live in. Society usually means the external system of authority that consciously and unconsciously dictates the direction and behaviour of our lives. Do you ever wonder why it is so important to live a certain way, with a certain car, house, school degree, etc.! It is because society dictates it to be so. To live and be your authentic self, you must free yourself from that cultural prison. You must think for yourself and create your own thoughts, needs and desires. Then, and only then, you are being authentic.
When you live an authentic life, you are living the life that resonates with your inner being. You will not bind yourself with destructive habits, relationships or lifestyles. You will gain inner strength and let go of manipulation, power plays, cruelty and hatred. You will find that your life is being elevated to a higher spiritual level. You will be thinking of humankind, rather than self. You won’t be afraid of truth, and will deal with fear in a better way.
Teilhard de Chardin said, ” We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience”… This truth has been expressed since the beginning of time. We are just now beginning to understand it. We need to embrace it, live it and share it with others. If we do this, our world will have less fear and destruction, and more love, happiness and abundance.
When we ask people why they continue to live an unhappy and unfulfilled existence, they often respond, “they don’t know why”. For example, if they are unhappy with their job, we ask them, “Why do you continue to stay and be unfulfilled at your job, day after day?” Or why do you continue to behave in a way that isn’t necessarily healthy, like smoking or drinking too much? What we observe is that they don’t know why they do certain things. They just continue to do it out of habit. What we have determined is that their behaviour doesn’t match with their values, thus they are not living authentically.
I encourage you to lead yourself into a life of authenticity. You may need to spend some time and ponder exactly what it is you want from your life, and who exactly you are. It is a journey that will lead you to incredible things, mostly YOURSELF!
Practice sowing the seeds around learning how to have tenacity and set those gears in motion.
Take action and stop being passive!! Those who are passive in their lives usually get overseen as well.
Through the principle of Tenacity and the law of attraction, we can determine to bring those favourable things into our lives that we need for advancement and a life worth living.
